My last post I did one of the hardest things ever and opened up like never before about my breakup. I just wanted to give you a little update on what I have learned over the past couple months. Now mind you, this was my first heartbreak, so at 24 this was all new to me. The first month was physically painful, full of anxiety, countless tears, and even hope. It was apparent in my lack of blog posts. But it is okay to feel that way, you have both family and friends who support you like no other. You can cry and talk their ears off, and they will simply just be there. You are surrounded by the people who love you most. And honestly, that is the easy part. Letting go and starting over is the hard part, the scary part. I was actually just talking to my sister Leslie last night about how both of us don’t ever want to date ever again, just find our husbands and live happily ever after. And yes, we understand that is not logical in the slightest, nor do we need a man to make us happy. And yes. dating can be fun, but it can also be reeeeaaally annoying. People put up such a front on who they really are that only time proves, but who really wants to wait around for that? I dated someone for two years (pretty much inseparable to add) only to discover that I have no idea who he really is.
Here’s a little about me so you guys get a better understanding. I am a closed off person for the most part. I don’t trust many people and it takes me a while to open up, so when I finally put my trust in someone and do, it’s a pretty big deal. Take Leslie for instance, she lived with my family for a year before we even became close, and now she is one of the most important people in my life. I honestly don’t even consider her a friend, just a sister. I’m extremely hesitant, but when I finally let you in, you are in for life. And when I love and care, I love and I care deeper than anyone you will ever meet, even if I don’t always express it. In fact, I rarely express how I feel. If i’m upset, i’m silent. And no discussion will change that until i’m over it. If I love you, I show it by a bit of sarcasm. I’m not very good at the mushy stuff, especially in person. And if you want my real feelings, I’ll most likely write them before I speak them. The point i’m trying to make is that when I get to the point where I love and care about someone, it’s not in me to give up - i’m too stubborn for that.
I think that is has been the hardest thing for me through everything, is understanding that giving up sometimes is okay. It doesn’t mean that you failed. And honestly, I think I was holding on to the fact that I didn’t want to give up rather than focusing on the fact that the relationship was not right. Like I said earlier, I’m stubborn. I think I was also holding on to my fear of not wanting to start over again. That I didn’t want to go through the process of dating again. When I made the decision to let someone in and date them after 22 years or being perpetually single, I was 100% in. I was happy loving one person for the rest of my life, that was easy. For someone like me, the words “always” and “through thick and thin” really resonate. BUTTTT part of life is learning to adjust. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel incredibly deeply, because I do. That doesn’t mean that there are not constant reminders and memories, because trust me, they are everywhere! I was out traveling the world for two months and that still wasn’t enough to distract me. Yes, I thought we could be friends. I would cave in and text, I would continue to fight, I would try to prove things because I still cared. I lost more confidence then I ever thought was possible. I felt more alone than I ever have, even when I was surrounded by people. As much as your friends and family support you, you still constantly feel the weight of it, but honestly you don’t even want to talk about it anymore. There is nothing more to say, there is nothing more to do than to let go and move on, and that will only happen with time and faith.
Having a relationship that is healthy and brings you closer to God rather than away from it. Later on i’m sure I will laugh at how I think I feel right now. I’m realizing how important it is to get a life started for myself before I think about one with someone else. Even though it is hard, don’t regret, become bitter, or angry. I’ve realized how much it takes over once you let it in. Delete pictures, numbers, and unfollow on social media. Don’t check up on them, because those constant reminders eat away at you and make it a million times harder to move on with your life. Through this time, I have learned how important loving and believing in myself is. I have learned to be honest and patient. I have learned who my friends were, and I have learned what I want in my future relationship. I have learned that I love deeply and I should never be sorry for that. Everything will happen in God’s timing, and putting your faith in him is the most important thing in this world. He has a plan. He will replace what he has taken with something a million times better. I’ve just learned to get through the pain and time will make all things new again. Good luck to anyone else who is healing!
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
- Psalms 147:3